ONE: Self-compassion vs. Self-judgment
Self-compassion is being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing difficulties are inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with these kinds of painful experiences. When we instead react with self-judgment, the reality that we cannot always be or get exactly what we are denied or fought against, suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration, and self-criticism. When we accept the reality that life is not perfect, we respond with sympathy and kindness, and greater emotional equanimity is experienced.
Practice: Befriend Yourself
When faced with a struggle, try speaking kindly to yourself as if you are responding to a friend.
Example: “Of course, you are tired after working a long day and you have little energy to be productive. I believe you.”
Instead of: “You shouldn’t be tired, why can’t you do more?” Notice the shift in how you feel when you offer kindness to yourself versus judging yourself.

TWO: Common humanity vs. Isolation
Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, we have a common humanity. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable, and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience–something that we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.
Practice: The Curious Observer
When you respond to yourself, a person, or a situation, try being curious and asking questions instead of jumping to conclusions.
Example: "I was reactive towards someone I love today. I wonder what that was about for me? What upset me? Can I repair it with this person?"
Instead of: "I was reactive towards someone I love today, I am a terrible person." (shame)

THREE: Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
Self-compassion also requires a mindful, balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. This equilibrated stance stems from relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our situation into a larger perspective. It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it simultaneously. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings so that we become caught up and swept away with negative reactivity.
Practice: Both/And
Try framing your thoughts with both/and thinking instead of using extreme black and white statements.
Example: “I made a bad choice and I am a good person” or, “I made a bad choice and I am learning.”
Instead of: “I made that choice and am a horrible person. I cannot believe I gave into that”